a special place in hell for bike thieves, and guarantee your own place in hell

It’s not a problem for me right now as I’m not riding my bike anywhere. In fact I tried to a gentle jog yesterday and my pain receptors quickly decided on my behalf that it was a bad idea.

In the past I’ve had bikes stolen. One time I was beaten up for my bike whilst I was riding around a park. Through my own naivety I trusted the young lad who was clearly not interested in the time by stoping my bike close to him, looking down at my watch to tell him the time, and instead of receiving the time I received a punch to the face. Stunned, I struggled for a bit whilst I received my punches to the face before I saw my pride and joy being ridden away. It was my first ‘proper’ mountain bike. I’d worked paper rounds morning and night for well over a year to fund it.

As an extra we (mostly my parents) had to fight with the insurance company because “the bicycle was not locked at the time”. Go figure… I wonder if insurance companies have done any research into why most people feel nothing but utter contempt for them. How can you purchase a service and when you call on that service it is still in the hands of the insurance company to decide if they will honour the service you’ve been paying for. Notwithstanding insurance fraud generated by the customer, surely it is insurance fraud generated by the insurance company.

The 2nd time my bike was locked inside my garage. Then it wasn’t.

The 3rd time my bike was locked inside my garage to the wall. Then it wasn’t. Luckily this third time I was about to move out and the £700 insurance money came it mighty handy for that summer-of-fun. Plus I was riding around on my BMX at the time, yes that one.

But whatever the insurance company decides to do you can rest assured that the thief will have their comeuppance. Danté affirms it.

…according to Dante, between the grafters and the gamblers, there is a circle of the inferno reserved just for people who steal bicycles.

The full details of which can be obtained through nicomachus.net. There’s also a link there to the original manuscript by Phillip Barron published in Urban Velo, Issue 8.

Still, a bit of this life revenge might be on your agenda and I stumbled upon a suitable revenge taker. How To End Bike Theft: The Honeybike Project details the making of your own shocking device.

I’ve got a $40 pay as you go cell phone, hacked to a $20 stun gun … when you call the cell phone, which you can track on Google Maps …

The ingredients include a tazer, some kind of GPS device. Beware of the semi nakedness of the man who introduces the concept.

The outcome is you can phone your bike and induce the shock, or even make the bike’s brakes apply themselves with a little more tinkering. He does try it on himself in the demonstration.

Try it, but remember you’ll go to hell too.

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